There\u2019s an Instagram account I follow, @survivingchildhoodtrauma, that posts daily writing prompts about trauma and recovery. I always read and think about them, but I\u2019ve never written in response to one before. Until now. And not because I feel inspired, but because I feel called out and ashamed. And just sad.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHow do I show myself respect? What boundaries or choices do I make each day that are from a place of self-respect?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I realized, I don\u2019t. What I need, what I want, what I feel, all sacrificed to keeping the peace and being useful. Because I am not as important as others. Because my value comes from being essential to others. Because I have been taught that it is wrong for me to want things for myself, even things that are important or essential. Total self-sacrifice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Obviously, as a partner, parent, and step-parent, I cannot simply do what I want, when I want; a certain amount of self-sacrifice is necessary, but I think I could still respect myself in the midst of those sacrifices. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve done this for so long, I don\u2019t even know how to identify what I actually need or want. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Another account, @notesfromyourtherapist, recently posted \u201cEveryone has patterns of behaviour with others based on what you had to do as a kid to feel safe.\u201d This is so true. In order to feel safe in my own home growing up, I had to be silent, always in control of myself, always ready to drop everything and do what others wanted\/needed, mature, sensitive to (and accommodating of) the moods of everyone around me, not requiring anything from my parents, accommodating everything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I could not honour myself or my needs. I could not need. So I could not feel. I could not dream. I could not desire. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had to be ready at a moment\u2019s notice to be whatever they needed me to be. It\u2019s difficult to honour yourself, to respect yourself, to give a damn about yourself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But then I find myself desperate to defend myself, to exert my \u201cselfness,\u201d and I end up lashing out or getting defensive at the worst times. And then all I have is guilt. And feel worse about myself than when I started. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So then I feel like trying to stand up for myself isn\u2019t worth it, and I suppress myself again for a long period of time.\u00a0Until it boils over again, feeling like I’m drowning or vanishing, panicking, lashing out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How do I show myself respect? Easy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
There\u2019s an Instagram account I follow, @survivingchildhoodtrauma, that posts daily writing prompts about trauma and recovery. I always read and think about them, but I\u2019ve never written in response to one before. Until now. And not because I feel inspired, but because I feel called out and ashamed. And just sad.\u00a0 \u201cHow do I show …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,70],"tags":[104,52,55,3,37,103,5,40,4,102],"class_list":["post-91","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-escape","category-growth","tag-boundaries","tag-childhood-trauma","tag-cycle-breaker","tag-family-trauma","tag-identity","tag-patterns-of-behaviour","tag-personal-development","tag-personal-growth","tag-self-awareness","tag-self-respect","entry entry-center"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insidemylockdown.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/91","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insidemylockdown.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insidemylockdown.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insidemylockdown.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insidemylockdown.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=91"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insidemylockdown.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/91\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":92,"href":"https:\/\/insidemylockdown.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/91\/revisions\/92"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insidemylockdown.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=91"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insidemylockdown.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=91"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insidemylockdown.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=91"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}