You’re Not Worthy!

My apologies for the stream-of-consciousness nature of this post. I have tried to rework it, but it resists. My thoughts are a tumbling jumble of crap that I need to sift through. 

This makes no sense. So if I continue the thinking of my previous post: I need to matter, and I only matter if I’m doing, so I have to earn or otherwise prove that I matter, that I am worthy. So I am constantly worried about not being good enough to be seen as worthy, because I am not worthy enough by simply existing.  

Then how can I be afraid of not being good enough when I am also already convinced that I’m not good enough? Am I somehow hoping to prove to myself that I am in fact good enough? But if they believe I am not good enough, and their expectations are already ridiculously high, how can I be hoping to prove them wrong? Everything I am already doing, all of the effort, giving up almost everything that is me, what more can I give? 

Then why have I not given up yet? And what will happen when I do? If I can’t convince them I am good enough, if I can’t convince myself, how will I even get out of bed in the morning (or any time of day, for that matter)? How can I continue existing if I am so truly without hope? Maybe I’m not fully convinced I am not good enough. Maybe I retain a shred of self-respect, a glimpse of myself as worthy, and that keeps me trying to show them. I know logically that I have just as much value as anyone else, even if I have never felt it, so maybe I haven’t completely lost myself yet. Maybe that’s where the bitter acid of resentment comes from: I AM good enough, and I keep trying to make them see it, but they won’t see it, so I am hurt and angry with them. Hm. 

(And no, “they/them” is not a specific person; the identity of “they” and “them” is situational. “They” could refer to my father, for example, if I am trying to prove something about my intelligence, my education, my health and physical fitness, or my parenting abilities. “They” could be work colleagues, friends, friends of my husband, family members, my husband, my stepchildren, my daughter. “They” could be the cashier at the grocery store, judging me for what I do or do not have in my cart (Yes, I am fully aware that most cashiers don’t pay attention or care. Doesn’t matter. Broken brain, remember? Even if a cashier did pay attention and did care, it shouldn’t matter to me. I get that. Again, doesn’t matter). “They,” at one time or another, encompasses every single person I come into contact with.)

This is really pathetic. Daddy issues much? So my father didn’t appear to give a damn, so I must spend the rest of my life proving I am good enough to every single person in every single instance? How truly pathetic! And how do I stop? 

My own duality: “I must be seen and known and valued,” and “Dear God, please don’t look at me; I’m horrible and worthless! Please don’t see all my flaws.” 

“There can be only one.” –Highlander

I can’t simultaneously achieve both goals. 

No wonder I feel like two different people. I am hiding my worthless self away from the world while also brimming with worth that I am desperate for others to see. (This is where I would use the facepalm and shrugging emojis in a text). 

Even if I can decide once and for all that I am worthy, that I matter, it is still a daunting task. There are so many years of dysfunctional automatic thoughts and responses to untrain, so many ugly things I tell myself. And what’s weird, I think I tell myself those ugly things to make myself feel better, feel safer. Yes, that sounds messed up, but bear with me: If someone is dismissive of me, I tell myself it’s because I’m not worth their time, because the alternative is that something is wrong in our relationship, and if that is the case, either I have to try to do something to change that (risking damage to, or destruction of, the relationship) or I have to acknowledge that I have some responsibility in the situation because I allow myself to be treated like crap (and the person is a jerk and I shouldn’t be wasting my time around them anyway; also my responsibility).

So telling myself that I deserve to be treated as worthless is actually safer for my ego. The alternatives are risking losing the person entirely or admitting that it’s at least partly my fault. 

Do I really mean that I am doing this all to myself?

This feels seriously messed up. 

I need a more sophisticated way of saying that. 

Nope. Anything else I can think of right now involves a great deal of swearing. 

I think, to an extent, I understand people who stay in abusive relationships: the crap that you know is safer than the scary unknown crap out there, so you justify what happens to you. 

Holy shit. I’m in an abusive relationship with myself. This is going to require more space to figure out.

To be continued…