There’s an Instagram account I follow, @survivingchildhoodtrauma, that posts daily writing prompts about trauma and recovery. I always read and think about them, but I’ve never written in response to one before. Until now. And not because I feel inspired, but because I feel called out and ashamed. And just sad.
“How do I show myself respect? What boundaries or choices do I make each day that are from a place of self-respect?”
And I realized, I don’t. What I need, what I want, what I feel, all sacrificed to keeping the peace and being useful. Because I am not as important as others. Because my value comes from being essential to others. Because I have been taught that it is wrong for me to want things for myself, even things that are important or essential. Total self-sacrifice.
Obviously, as a partner, parent, and step-parent, I cannot simply do what I want, when I want; a certain amount of self-sacrifice is necessary, but I think I could still respect myself in the midst of those sacrifices.
I’ve done this for so long, I don’t even know how to identify what I actually need or want.
Another account, @notesfromyourtherapist, recently posted “Everyone has patterns of behaviour with others based on what you had to do as a kid to feel safe.” This is so true. In order to feel safe in my own home growing up, I had to be silent, always in control of myself, always ready to drop everything and do what others wanted/needed, mature, sensitive to (and accommodating of) the moods of everyone around me, not requiring anything from my parents, accommodating everything.
I could not honour myself or my needs. I could not need. So I could not feel. I could not dream. I could not desire.
I had to be ready at a moment’s notice to be whatever they needed me to be. It’s difficult to honour yourself, to respect yourself, to give a damn about yourself.
But then I find myself desperate to defend myself, to exert my “selfness,” and I end up lashing out or getting defensive at the worst times. And then all I have is guilt. And feel worse about myself than when I started.
So then I feel like trying to stand up for myself isn’t worth it, and I suppress myself again for a long period of time. Until it boils over again, feeling like I’m drowning or vanishing, panicking, lashing out.
How do I show myself respect? Easy.
I don’t.